As a counselor of children and young adults, as well as being a mom, I am thoroughly familiar with the art of arguing and the role of arguing in relationships.
Arguing can be a healthy tool for helping a relationship grow and develop. Arguing can also be a destructive instrument when some simple rules are not followed. As I have just had this conversation with my son tonight, I decided sharing my ten rules for arguing has saved me from thinking up another subject for the blog.
1) Arguing requires respect. You don't have to believe the other person is right; you don't have to change your opinion; you don't even have to like a person. But, if you feel strongly enough to voice your opinions and feelings, then you need to have enough respect and strength of character to listen to the other person's side. To do so means you actually have to be quiet and listen to the other person--not just hear the words but process their meaning. This leads me to my next rule ...
2) Don't scream, call the other person names, hang up on the other person, or insist that you are right and they are wrong. Think of a two-year-old toddler throwing a temper-tantrum. Guess what? That's exactly how you will look and sound if you insist on doing any of the above. You will probably get the same reaction as a spoiled toddler, too. Assuming you want to be taken seriously, don't go here.
3) Be willing to admit your mistakes. If you are in argument, very likely you share at least some of the guilt in creating a situation which requires an argument. There are a few times when this is not the case, but those times are few and far between. So, if you've messed up, admit it. It's hard to say the words, but they will go a long way in healing the situation.
4) Have reasonable expectations. Don't go into an argument expecting that you're opinion or viewpoint will be embraced and accepted as THE way. There are times when this will be the case, but, for the most part, an argument is a step towards a compromise on a situation or a means to understanding one another's view point. If you go in with that as the expectation, more progress will be made.
5) Understand you shouldn't argue a non-arguable point. For each individual, there is at least one absolute in his or her life for which there is no compromise. If you know what a person's absolute is, don't argue this point with them. By all means, share your feelings and point of view, but don't believe this will in any way change the other person's opinion.
6) Understand what the other person is needing from the argument. Sometimes an argument is like a dud firecracker: There's a lot of build up, but no bang. This happens when one of those involved in the argument recognizes what the other person is needing to get from the argument. Sometimes it's a need for information, sometimes reassurance, and sometimes, unfortunately, a relief valve for other frustrations. If one of those arguing can listen well enough to hear what the need is, that need can be fulfilled relatively quickly and the need for the argument no longer exists. This brings me to my next point....
7) Don't be an "Uh-huh-er" or a "Nagger." These are the arguments old 50's sit-coms are made of. The wife is sitting there screaming at the husband, and the husband is "yes dear"-ing all the while not hearing a word she says. Both sides of the coin can tear any relationship apart. It goes back to respect. If all you are doing is screaming what you expect from the other person, then you've just turned into an annoying noise that will be tuned out. You are doing nothing to hear or to try and meet the other person's need in the argument, and, because of this, your needs will not be met. On the flip side, if all you do is sit there and tune the other person out, you are just setting yourself up for additional arguments and unpleasantness. Actually LISTEN to what is being said to you, and then act on this information.
8) Don't ambush. The time for an argument is when you are calm enough to think clearly and not to act as if you are in a scene from a bad soap opera. You need to extend this same courtesy to the other person with whom you will be arguing. If he or she has just spent the night sick with a virus, the next morning is not the time to argue about the bounced check. If you insist on doing so, you've just placed he or she on the defensive, and you are much less likely to have your feelings or opinions heard.
9) Walk away from an argument. Sometimes you know that you are in a rule #5 situation--a non-arguable point. If you've discovered for the first time this is the other person's absolute, end the argument. If the other person is arguing your absolute with you, tell the other person, respectfully, that you will not be changing your mind and walk away. Also, you should ALWAYS walk away if you find yourself becoming so angry you are becoming disrespectful. Better to give yourself a time-out and keep your dignity and credibility than to be treated like the toddler.
10) Don't hide from an argument. I know this sounds like a contradiction with rule #9, but it isn't. As I said before, arguments can be healthy for a relationship, as long as they are done correctly. If you are not happy with a situation, and you need the situation to change, an argument is perfectly legitimate. Just keep in mind the rest of the rules, and you should at least make some progress.
“The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress.”
~Joseph Joubert
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Climbing Through Windows
"When God closes a door, He always opens a window."
I'm happy.
Yep, that's it. That's just the simple fact. I'm happy.
Does that mean everything is perfect in my life? Nope. Is my life struggle free? Nope. Do I feel down sometimes? Yep. But, even during the times when I'm down, I realize that I won't remain that way for long.
Through recent losses in my life, I've come to realize that I'm stronger than I thought. The blessings in my life have also crystalized for me: I have a family who loves me and friends who support me; my children are thriving; and, I still have desire--desire to become more, not only for those that count on me, but for myself.
So, although I've had a few doors close in my life recently, I'm not worried. I've gotten pretty good at climbing through windows!
I'm happy.
Yep, that's it. That's just the simple fact. I'm happy.
Does that mean everything is perfect in my life? Nope. Is my life struggle free? Nope. Do I feel down sometimes? Yep. But, even during the times when I'm down, I realize that I won't remain that way for long.
Through recent losses in my life, I've come to realize that I'm stronger than I thought. The blessings in my life have also crystalized for me: I have a family who loves me and friends who support me; my children are thriving; and, I still have desire--desire to become more, not only for those that count on me, but for myself.
So, although I've had a few doors close in my life recently, I'm not worried. I've gotten pretty good at climbing through windows!
“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt
Thursday, October 28, 2010
No More Mulligans
I know very little about golf. Basically, I can identify Tiger Woods, golf carts and golf clubs. I also understand a little golf lingo. A slice, a bogey and an over par is bad. A hole in one, a birdie and an under par is good. And then you've got the mulligan.
This is my understanding of what a mulligan is: A mulligan is when a person has a "do over" after making a horrific shot on the golf course.
In general, I think mulligans are good. After having witnessed a few tantrums from golfers, I'm pretty sure mulligans have prevented many a heart attack. I don't believe mulligans are meant for constant use, though. Who would want to play with someone who yells, "Whoops! Re-do!" over and over again?
I've come to the realization that, in relationships, I have tended to allow unlimited mulligans. To an extent, this is what I feel you should do in a relationship--provide forgiveness and support to those who have made a mistake. The problem is, I've tended to provide unlimited mulligans for the same mistakes made by the same people. At some point this stopped being forgiveness and support and became emotional masochism.
So, from this point forward, I will allow one mulligan per major mistake. After that, if the other person can't improve, I'm leaving his or her butt in the sand trap!
This is my understanding of what a mulligan is: A mulligan is when a person has a "do over" after making a horrific shot on the golf course.
In general, I think mulligans are good. After having witnessed a few tantrums from golfers, I'm pretty sure mulligans have prevented many a heart attack. I don't believe mulligans are meant for constant use, though. Who would want to play with someone who yells, "Whoops! Re-do!" over and over again?
I've come to the realization that, in relationships, I have tended to allow unlimited mulligans. To an extent, this is what I feel you should do in a relationship--provide forgiveness and support to those who have made a mistake. The problem is, I've tended to provide unlimited mulligans for the same mistakes made by the same people. At some point this stopped being forgiveness and support and became emotional masochism.
So, from this point forward, I will allow one mulligan per major mistake. After that, if the other person can't improve, I'm leaving his or her butt in the sand trap!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I'm Not in Kansas Anymore.......
There are days when I feel like I'm Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Usually these feelings are aroused by the on-going, rapid changes of my children which open up whole new experiences for me.
For instance, the other night I realized that my son is no longer my little boy. He's becoming a teenager. How, you ask, did I come to this conclusion? The WWE found it's way onto my television for over two hours for the first time. The testosterone hung think in the house like a fog.
My daughter tends to add to the surreal air that surrounds my life most days. She looks like a seven year old angel who will spout out words and ideas with which I'm fairly sure some 30 year olds are not familiar. I often wonder if she has discussion with God in which they debate the pros and cons of various ways to correct the ills of the world...with God taking her advice.
As I whirl through my life, I look at both of my babies and realize that they are no longer babies. They don't even fit into the "little kids" category. They will ALWAYS be my babies, though, even as I try to keep up with them on the yellow brick road to adulthood.
For instance, the other night I realized that my son is no longer my little boy. He's becoming a teenager. How, you ask, did I come to this conclusion? The WWE found it's way onto my television for over two hours for the first time. The testosterone hung think in the house like a fog.
My daughter tends to add to the surreal air that surrounds my life most days. She looks like a seven year old angel who will spout out words and ideas with which I'm fairly sure some 30 year olds are not familiar. I often wonder if she has discussion with God in which they debate the pros and cons of various ways to correct the ills of the world...with God taking her advice.
As I whirl through my life, I look at both of my babies and realize that they are no longer babies. They don't even fit into the "little kids" category. They will ALWAYS be my babies, though, even as I try to keep up with them on the yellow brick road to adulthood.
Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
~ Dorothy (Judy Garland)
Friday, October 22, 2010
"I'm Sorry."
"I'm sorry." Two little words thrown out daily by almost everyone. It covers the accidental bump in the crowd, a wrong number dialed, or waking someone from a nap. The words are easy to say, requiring very little effort on the part of the speaker.
There are times, though, that the words need to be followed by action. Mistakes are made, feelings are hurt, and more than a few easily spoken words are required to repair the damage. If action is not taken, or if the apology is followed by more of the same behavior, what began as a mistake turns into a powerful weapon. In essence, an apology followed by inaction is saying, "You are not worth the effort." which cuts worse than any knife. And repeated apologies for the same offense only compounds the pain.
So, save the "I'm sorrys" for times in which society requires a nicety to be uttered. Otherwise, either say, "I will not allow this to happen again." and stay true to your word, or say "Goodbye. I can't change." Neither will change the fact that a mistake was made, but both will keep further wounds from being created.
"Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.”
~Tryon Edwards
There are times, though, that the words need to be followed by action. Mistakes are made, feelings are hurt, and more than a few easily spoken words are required to repair the damage. If action is not taken, or if the apology is followed by more of the same behavior, what began as a mistake turns into a powerful weapon. In essence, an apology followed by inaction is saying, "You are not worth the effort." which cuts worse than any knife. And repeated apologies for the same offense only compounds the pain.
So, save the "I'm sorrys" for times in which society requires a nicety to be uttered. Otherwise, either say, "I will not allow this to happen again." and stay true to your word, or say "Goodbye. I can't change." Neither will change the fact that a mistake was made, but both will keep further wounds from being created.
"Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.”
~Tryon Edwards
Thursday, October 21, 2010
The Curse of the "Need to Know" Gene
You know that age-old, world famous curse that all parents place on their children at some point in time? The one that goes something like, "I hope you have a child just like you!"? Well, apparently, unbeknownest to me, my parents uttered this curse.
My son is a curious, need-to-know-all-things, type young man. He's incredibly intelligent, and, there are times when this can be very inconvenient for me. Well, him being very intelligent as well as having the tenacity of a rabid pit bull.
My son wants to know all the details surrounding the events that are taking place in our family at this time. Now, I've answered questions, his dad has answered questions, his school counselor has answered questions. He has received answers from everyone he has asked.
The problem is, he doesn't want the answers he is given. So, he keeps asking and keeps asking and keeps asking.
If I knew the answer that would make it all better for him, I would give it in a heartbeat. But there is no magic answer, just as there is no magic wand.
So, I pray for him, I tell him I love him, I hold him close (when he lets me), and I pray some more. And I hope that a dormant "I'm okay with what I know right now" gene activates sometime soon.
“Children are remarkable for their intelligence and ardor, for their curiosity, their intolerance of shams, the clarity and ruthlessness of their vision.”
~Aldous Huxley
My son is a curious, need-to-know-all-things, type young man. He's incredibly intelligent, and, there are times when this can be very inconvenient for me. Well, him being very intelligent as well as having the tenacity of a rabid pit bull.
My son wants to know all the details surrounding the events that are taking place in our family at this time. Now, I've answered questions, his dad has answered questions, his school counselor has answered questions. He has received answers from everyone he has asked.
The problem is, he doesn't want the answers he is given. So, he keeps asking and keeps asking and keeps asking.
If I knew the answer that would make it all better for him, I would give it in a heartbeat. But there is no magic answer, just as there is no magic wand.
So, I pray for him, I tell him I love him, I hold him close (when he lets me), and I pray some more. And I hope that a dormant "I'm okay with what I know right now" gene activates sometime soon.
“Children are remarkable for their intelligence and ardor, for their curiosity, their intolerance of shams, the clarity and ruthlessness of their vision.”
~Aldous Huxley
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Vroooooom, Vroooooom!
I'm not sure how it is for people in other states, but for a lot of people in Alabama, NASCAR is a pretty big deal. It ranks right under football, which, of course, is a religion.
In two weeks, NASCAR will be hitting the state at Talladega Superspeedway. Now, I've been to two races, and both were fairly entertaining. To be honest, I really wouldn't care that much except for my friend who works in NASCAR.
Having a friend that I can watch for on t.v. and root for, THAT makes it exciting for me. And being guaranteed to see my friend live and in person at least twice a year, that makes me REALLY excited!
So, I am officially counting down now. Eight days until I get to see my friend!!! I'm so excited!!!!
“True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island..to find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep him is a blessing.”
~Baltasar Gracian
In two weeks, NASCAR will be hitting the state at Talladega Superspeedway. Now, I've been to two races, and both were fairly entertaining. To be honest, I really wouldn't care that much except for my friend who works in NASCAR.
Having a friend that I can watch for on t.v. and root for, THAT makes it exciting for me. And being guaranteed to see my friend live and in person at least twice a year, that makes me REALLY excited!
So, I am officially counting down now. Eight days until I get to see my friend!!! I'm so excited!!!!
“True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island..to find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep him is a blessing.”
~Baltasar Gracian
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Hugs
I love hugging. It's a wonderful, terrific, magnificent, amazing way to show someone that you care, you love, you desire, you want them.
I believe my Granny solidified my belief in hugs. She told me that every person needs 12 hugs per day. Well, since that time, I've made it my mission to make sure that everyone reaches their quota.
Of course, there are days when I feel that there is just not enough time to hug and hold the ones I love. And there are days when I long to hug those who are no longer in my life, wanting to feel and give one last long squeeze. But, since that isn't possible, I'll make up for those lost hugs by engaging in new ones!
So, please be forewarned: I WILL end up hugging you at some point in time. I need to make sure you reach your quota.
“I will not play tug o' war. I'd rather play hug o' war. Where everyone hugs instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, and everyone grins, and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins.”
~Shel Silverstein
I believe my Granny solidified my belief in hugs. She told me that every person needs 12 hugs per day. Well, since that time, I've made it my mission to make sure that everyone reaches their quota.
Of course, there are days when I feel that there is just not enough time to hug and hold the ones I love. And there are days when I long to hug those who are no longer in my life, wanting to feel and give one last long squeeze. But, since that isn't possible, I'll make up for those lost hugs by engaging in new ones!
So, please be forewarned: I WILL end up hugging you at some point in time. I need to make sure you reach your quota.
“I will not play tug o' war. I'd rather play hug o' war. Where everyone hugs instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, and everyone grins, and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins.”
~Shel Silverstein
Monday, October 18, 2010
What I've Learned from Horror Films
Just getting in the mood ....
Here is what I've picked up from the few horror films I've watched in my life:
10) Learn basic wilderness survival skills. You never know when an ax murderer will be chasing you through the woods.
9) If you are passing by said woods and you hear a scream, DO NOT run willy-nilly into the woods without a weapon, a flashlight and a plan. Ax murderers appear to have a high kill rate.
8) As romantic as it might seem at the time, making out in the back seat of a car near the woods where people have recently disappeared is not a good idea. Remember: Being chopped into itty-bitty pieces is the epitome of unsafe sex.
7) When someone runs towards you bleeding and screaming, "RUN!!!", do not stand there frozen for 5 to 10 seconds before doing as commanded. The blood should tip you off that going in the opposite direction is a very good idea.
6) Speaking of blood: It's never a good sign when you shoot, stab or bludgeon someone and they DO NOT bleed. This is seen in most circles as a sign of the un-dead, most of whom are very cranky individuals.
5) Ouija boards are bad! Stay away!
4) Don't make fun of the kid with creepy eyes and who can make items levitate. The levitation is usually a clue that they are capable of hurting you and getting away with it.
3) Little old ladies are not always nice.
2) If you feel the need to be clean, make sure all doors and windows are locked and barred before taking a 30 second shower.
1) Watching a horror movie is like eating a chili dog: Lots of fun while you're doing it, not so fun a few hours later as you lie in bed awake!
“There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.”
~Jean Baudrillard
Here is what I've picked up from the few horror films I've watched in my life:
10) Learn basic wilderness survival skills. You never know when an ax murderer will be chasing you through the woods.
9) If you are passing by said woods and you hear a scream, DO NOT run willy-nilly into the woods without a weapon, a flashlight and a plan. Ax murderers appear to have a high kill rate.
8) As romantic as it might seem at the time, making out in the back seat of a car near the woods where people have recently disappeared is not a good idea. Remember: Being chopped into itty-bitty pieces is the epitome of unsafe sex.
7) When someone runs towards you bleeding and screaming, "RUN!!!", do not stand there frozen for 5 to 10 seconds before doing as commanded. The blood should tip you off that going in the opposite direction is a very good idea.
6) Speaking of blood: It's never a good sign when you shoot, stab or bludgeon someone and they DO NOT bleed. This is seen in most circles as a sign of the un-dead, most of whom are very cranky individuals.
5) Ouija boards are bad! Stay away!
4) Don't make fun of the kid with creepy eyes and who can make items levitate. The levitation is usually a clue that they are capable of hurting you and getting away with it.
3) Little old ladies are not always nice.
2) If you feel the need to be clean, make sure all doors and windows are locked and barred before taking a 30 second shower.
1) Watching a horror movie is like eating a chili dog: Lots of fun while you're doing it, not so fun a few hours later as you lie in bed awake!
“There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.”
~Jean Baudrillard
Repairs
I like the show Holmes on Homes on HGTV. It makes the DIY-er in me happy.
In the show, Mike Holmes, contractor extraordinaire, comes in and makes repairs to homes that look perfect from the outside but are complete messes on the inside. Usually another contractor has worked on the home prior to Holmes showing up and has not insulated enough or properly wired something or ran plumping correctly. Very bad stuff.
Sometimes I wish that there was a Mike Holmes for humans. If someone looks good on the outside, but there's a lot of problems or damage on the inside, call in the Holmes for Humans and every thing's fixed within a couple of weeks.
The thing about repairing a human is, it's usually a DIY project. A person can get help--from God, family, friends, therapist, etc.; but, until a person decides he or she needs and wants to be repaired, and is willing to put in the time (a lot more than a couple of weeks) and effort, nothing anyone else does will matter.
So, if you need a repair on your house, call Holmes. If you need a repair on yourself, look in the mirror.
“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.”
~ Aldous Huxley
In the show, Mike Holmes, contractor extraordinaire, comes in and makes repairs to homes that look perfect from the outside but are complete messes on the inside. Usually another contractor has worked on the home prior to Holmes showing up and has not insulated enough or properly wired something or ran plumping correctly. Very bad stuff.
Sometimes I wish that there was a Mike Holmes for humans. If someone looks good on the outside, but there's a lot of problems or damage on the inside, call in the Holmes for Humans and every thing's fixed within a couple of weeks.
The thing about repairing a human is, it's usually a DIY project. A person can get help--from God, family, friends, therapist, etc.; but, until a person decides he or she needs and wants to be repaired, and is willing to put in the time (a lot more than a couple of weeks) and effort, nothing anyone else does will matter.
So, if you need a repair on your house, call Holmes. If you need a repair on yourself, look in the mirror.
“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.”
~ Aldous Huxley
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Courage and Perseverance
My son the other day informed me that he had "persevered" over the hardship of having a losing football season. I have to be honest--I really wasn't sure whether I should laugh or cry. Finally, I decided to do neither. For my son, this was a big deal, even though it seemed minor to me.
It's seems to be human nature to "rate" the challenges others are experiencing. It's easy to do. For example, on a scale of 1 to 10, someone losing a loved one rates anywhere between an 8 to 10. Someone losing a beloved pet--more along the lines of a 3 to 5.
But rating some one's challenges is not fair. Each person's situation is different, and, unless you are that person, you don't know all the variables affecting him or her.
What should be rated is the level of courage and perseverance a person shows in the face of challenges. Because, if a person faces a challenge instead of hiding from it; if he or she decides not to allow the challenge to devastate him or her; and if the individual continues to believe in their ability to survive the challenge, then that person has shown himself or herself to be a person of strong character.
So, Bubba, I'm proud of you!
“Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman, before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into air.”
John Quincy Adams
It's seems to be human nature to "rate" the challenges others are experiencing. It's easy to do. For example, on a scale of 1 to 10, someone losing a loved one rates anywhere between an 8 to 10. Someone losing a beloved pet--more along the lines of a 3 to 5.
But rating some one's challenges is not fair. Each person's situation is different, and, unless you are that person, you don't know all the variables affecting him or her.
What should be rated is the level of courage and perseverance a person shows in the face of challenges. Because, if a person faces a challenge instead of hiding from it; if he or she decides not to allow the challenge to devastate him or her; and if the individual continues to believe in their ability to survive the challenge, then that person has shown himself or herself to be a person of strong character.
So, Bubba, I'm proud of you!
“Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman, before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into air.”
John Quincy Adams
Friday, October 15, 2010
Nightmares and Monsters
As I posted yesterday, I'm not really good at going to bed at night. So, when I do finally get to sleep, it really upsets me when I have a nightmare.
I woke from a nightmare this morning. It's wasn't what one would consider a "normal" nightmare. I wasn't being pursued by a three-headed monster or falling off of a cliff. It was worse than that.
In my nightmare, a person got pregnant, another person didn't want to talk to me ever again, and there was overall chaos in my life. (Granted, the chaos might have been a normal backdrop to my mind.) I woke up devastated.
I guess I had a grown-up nightmare. For me, the ending of a precious relationship is much worse than any ax murderer chasing me. My "monsters" are the every day occurrences that could take place but I pray will not.
As I sit here and type this, I'm trying to shake the feeling of dread and keep telling myself that it was only a dream. Maybe it will help soon.
I woke from a nightmare this morning. It's wasn't what one would consider a "normal" nightmare. I wasn't being pursued by a three-headed monster or falling off of a cliff. It was worse than that.
In my nightmare, a person got pregnant, another person didn't want to talk to me ever again, and there was overall chaos in my life. (Granted, the chaos might have been a normal backdrop to my mind.) I woke up devastated.
I guess I had a grown-up nightmare. For me, the ending of a precious relationship is much worse than any ax murderer chasing me. My "monsters" are the every day occurrences that could take place but I pray will not.
As I sit here and type this, I'm trying to shake the feeling of dread and keep telling myself that it was only a dream. Maybe it will help soon.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Coffee and Chocolate
Today was a coffee and chocolate day. Not enough sleep last night, so not enough energy today.
You would think by this point I would have learned my lesson and just go to bed at night. But I don't. I'm worse than my kids! But I love the solitude that the night holds once the children are asleep. That time when I can do whatever I want to do with interruption or a heavy dose of guilt trip.
So, I will continue to depend on my coffee in the morning and my chocolate in the afternoon. If I could just fit in a little walking somewhere in-between, I'd be set!
“Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee”
Stephanie Piro
“Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of those pieces”
Judith Viorst
You would think by this point I would have learned my lesson and just go to bed at night. But I don't. I'm worse than my kids! But I love the solitude that the night holds once the children are asleep. That time when I can do whatever I want to do with interruption or a heavy dose of guilt trip.
So, I will continue to depend on my coffee in the morning and my chocolate in the afternoon. If I could just fit in a little walking somewhere in-between, I'd be set!
“Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee”
Stephanie Piro
“Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of those pieces”
Judith Viorst
Living in Ruins
I went to church tonight where, besides stuffing myself on some excellent Southern cooking, I listened to some information on Peter.
Peter has always been one of my favorite Biblical characters. I think it's because he reminds me of a hot-headed mill worker who throws down a few in a bar and hits the first guy who looks at him cross-eyed. The type of guy who will give you the shirt off his back and who you know you can call at any time and he'll be there.
Tonight I saw some pictures of the town in which Peter once lived. During it's hay day, the city held approximately 1,000 citizens. Now, it's just a bunch of crumbling buildings overlooking the Sea of Galilee. Yet, the impact of a man who lived there continues to be felt all these thousands of years later.
I guess that's my hope--that, even after the material things of my life crumple and decay, I will have lived in such a way that I positively affect others years after I'm gone. I want to live in the ruins.
Peter has always been one of my favorite Biblical characters. I think it's because he reminds me of a hot-headed mill worker who throws down a few in a bar and hits the first guy who looks at him cross-eyed. The type of guy who will give you the shirt off his back and who you know you can call at any time and he'll be there.
Tonight I saw some pictures of the town in which Peter once lived. During it's hay day, the city held approximately 1,000 citizens. Now, it's just a bunch of crumbling buildings overlooking the Sea of Galilee. Yet, the impact of a man who lived there continues to be felt all these thousands of years later.
I guess that's my hope--that, even after the material things of my life crumple and decay, I will have lived in such a way that I positively affect others years after I'm gone. I want to live in the ruins.
“This is a call to the living,
To those who refuse to make peace with evil,
With the suffering and the waste of the world.
This is a call to the human, not the perfect,
To those who know their own prejudices,
Who have no intention of becoming prisoners of their own limitations.
This is a call to those who remember the dreams of their youth,
Who know what it means to share food and shelter,
The care of children and those who are troubled,
To reach beyond barriers of the past
Bringing people to communion.
This is a call to the never ending spirit
Of the common man, his essential decency and integrity,
His unending capacity to suffer and endure,
To face death and destruction and to rise again
And build from the ruins of life.
This is the greatest call of all
The call to a faith in people.”
~Algernon D. Black
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Just the Bling Ma'am
I guess this would fall under the heading "Confessions", although, I do believe anyone who has ever met me for 30 seconds knows this fact about me.
I love bling. Pretty, shiny bling.
Normally I am able to love from a distance, looking but not touching. Weeeeeelllll, I bought myself some bling yesterday. For years I've wanted a ring like this, but other, more important money sucking items always needed to take precedence. Yesterday, I decided I was going to do it. I was going to buy myself a ring that I wanted. I'm so excited!
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond.”
Mae West
I love bling. Pretty, shiny bling.
Normally I am able to love from a distance, looking but not touching. Weeeeeelllll, I bought myself some bling yesterday. For years I've wanted a ring like this, but other, more important money sucking items always needed to take precedence. Yesterday, I decided I was going to do it. I was going to buy myself a ring that I wanted. I'm so excited!
My new aquamarine and diamond ring.
Got it on sale, of course!
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond.”
Mae West
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Goodnight Angels
“When angels visit us, we do not hear the rustle of wings, nor feel the feathery touch of the breast of a dove; but we know their presence by the love they create in our hearts.”
In Memory of Mr. Herman Hurst and Mrs. Winnie B. Guin Montgomery.
In Memory of Mr. Herman Hurst and Mrs. Winnie B. Guin Montgomery.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Just the Facts
Following the announcement of the changes taking place in my life, I've received some wonderful support from friends and family members. I truly appreciate the concern which has been shown to me and my children.
Having said that, I do feel that I need to ask that a few facts be kept in mind during future conversations regarding my life.
1) Please understand that I will not be "dishing the dirt." What has happened and what will happen has been and will continue to be between myself and those directly involved in the situation. If I started blabbing all the nitty-gritty details to anyone who will listen, I would not be considering others as I would hope others would consider me in the same situation.
2) Just because I'm not acting as if I will crumble into a million pieces at any second does not mean that I am not affected. Telling me how my situation is affecting YOU certainly does not help me at this time.
3) Finally, everyone should know me well enough to know I would never jump into any important decision without a great deal of thought, planning, more thinking, more planning and even more thinking. Especially when my babies are involved. So, please, please, please don't ask me if I need to re-think or take some time. I have and I did.
Thank you for understanding!
Having said that, I do feel that I need to ask that a few facts be kept in mind during future conversations regarding my life.
1) Please understand that I will not be "dishing the dirt." What has happened and what will happen has been and will continue to be between myself and those directly involved in the situation. If I started blabbing all the nitty-gritty details to anyone who will listen, I would not be considering others as I would hope others would consider me in the same situation.
2) Just because I'm not acting as if I will crumble into a million pieces at any second does not mean that I am not affected. Telling me how my situation is affecting YOU certainly does not help me at this time.
3) Finally, everyone should know me well enough to know I would never jump into any important decision without a great deal of thought, planning, more thinking, more planning and even more thinking. Especially when my babies are involved. So, please, please, please don't ask me if I need to re-think or take some time. I have and I did.
Thank you for understanding!
“After awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with you head up and your eyes open.
With the grace of maturity, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on
Today because tommorow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And that you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn and learn ....
With every goodbye you learn.”
~Veronica A. Shoffstall
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Whining Dogs and Other Minor Annoyances
One of my family members is an old dog. When I say old, please refer to the definition of "ancient" in the dictionary. That's my dog. If he was a human, he would be 105.
Now, I love my dog very much. He was my first baby after all. But, I'm the first to admit that, in his old age, he has become a bit annoying. Think ornery old man. That's my wiener dog.
He whines to be let out--which he promptly forgets he has done and whines to be let out again in 10 minutes. He whines for food--soft please, because all of his teeth have fallen out. He whines because the soft dog food isn't good enough. He wants people food. Now. And on, and on, and on.
There are times when I think how wonderful it would be if he would just stop whining all the freakn' time. But then, I think about what that would mean, and I decide a few annoying minutes of whining multiple times per day is much better for my emotional well-being than the alternative.
I TRY to use that same thought process with other annoyances I encounter during the day. If I get annoyed, I remember the alternative. Am I perfect with this? Heck no! Does it always help to think of the alternative? Nope. Sometimes annoying is just annoying. But, by trying to put things into perspective, my life usually becomes a little better place to be.
“It is not the place, not the condition, but the mind alone that can make anyone happy or miserable.”
L. Estrange
“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.”
Carlos Casteneda
Now, I love my dog very much. He was my first baby after all. But, I'm the first to admit that, in his old age, he has become a bit annoying. Think ornery old man. That's my wiener dog.
He whines to be let out--which he promptly forgets he has done and whines to be let out again in 10 minutes. He whines for food--soft please, because all of his teeth have fallen out. He whines because the soft dog food isn't good enough. He wants people food. Now. And on, and on, and on.
There are times when I think how wonderful it would be if he would just stop whining all the freakn' time. But then, I think about what that would mean, and I decide a few annoying minutes of whining multiple times per day is much better for my emotional well-being than the alternative.
I TRY to use that same thought process with other annoyances I encounter during the day. If I get annoyed, I remember the alternative. Am I perfect with this? Heck no! Does it always help to think of the alternative? Nope. Sometimes annoying is just annoying. But, by trying to put things into perspective, my life usually becomes a little better place to be.
“It is not the place, not the condition, but the mind alone that can make anyone happy or miserable.”
L. Estrange
“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.”
Carlos Casteneda
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Feeling Old--The Nightmare at Walgreens
Okay, I have documented in this blog before that there are times when I feel old. My shopping experience in Walgreens the other day did not to lesson this feeling.
Let me set the scene: Walgreens on a weekday. Early morning. It's me and-I think- one other shopper in the store at the time. I go to check out, and the total shows up as $19.93. I innocently move to retrieve my credit card from my wallet when I hear the young man behind the counter make a statement. I ask him, in all innocence, what he had said. This was his reply, "I said, '$19.93. I was two that year. Just a random fact. Another service offered at Walgreens.'"
I just looked at him. I really wasn't sure how to respond. Lots of responses raced through my head. The first was, "What the hell?!" quickly followed by, "Wow! 1993. I was a sophomore in college then!" These thoughts were quickly followed up with, "Was I stupid enough to bring up my age with a random person when I was 20?" But, my absolute favorite that morning was, "Oh s#$t! I could be his mother!"
I walked out of the store that morning knowing two things: 1) The rest of the day I would be laughing over that experience, and 2) I will never think of the year 1993 in the same way again.
“Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age.”
Victor Hugo
Let me set the scene: Walgreens on a weekday. Early morning. It's me and-I think- one other shopper in the store at the time. I go to check out, and the total shows up as $19.93. I innocently move to retrieve my credit card from my wallet when I hear the young man behind the counter make a statement. I ask him, in all innocence, what he had said. This was his reply, "I said, '$19.93. I was two that year. Just a random fact. Another service offered at Walgreens.'"
I just looked at him. I really wasn't sure how to respond. Lots of responses raced through my head. The first was, "What the hell?!" quickly followed by, "Wow! 1993. I was a sophomore in college then!" These thoughts were quickly followed up with, "Was I stupid enough to bring up my age with a random person when I was 20?" But, my absolute favorite that morning was, "Oh s#$t! I could be his mother!"
I walked out of the store that morning knowing two things: 1) The rest of the day I would be laughing over that experience, and 2) I will never think of the year 1993 in the same way again.
“Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age.”
Victor Hugo
Monday, October 4, 2010
Magic Wand
I have often jokingly stated that I wished I had a magic wand. Well, okay, maybe not so jokingly.
Sometimes I have wished for a wand for selfish reasons--a million dollars to blow on whatever, a clean house with no effort, or the ability to eat all the chocolate I want with no subsequent weight gain. Other times, I've wanted to use the wand for more altruistic reasons--mainly to take away some kind of pain.
I wish I had a magic wand tonight. One of my closest friend's and her family are going through the pain of slowly losing a beloved family member. It hurts to see the pain on my friend's face or hear it in her voice and be unable to do anything to make it better.
So, I'll pray for my friend, her family and her loved one. I'll pray for peace to envelope them all and for wisdom to know how to help them through this terrible time. And, for at least one more time, I'll pray for that magic wand.
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. (Psalms 30:5)”
Sometimes I have wished for a wand for selfish reasons--a million dollars to blow on whatever, a clean house with no effort, or the ability to eat all the chocolate I want with no subsequent weight gain. Other times, I've wanted to use the wand for more altruistic reasons--mainly to take away some kind of pain.
I wish I had a magic wand tonight. One of my closest friend's and her family are going through the pain of slowly losing a beloved family member. It hurts to see the pain on my friend's face or hear it in her voice and be unable to do anything to make it better.
So, I'll pray for my friend, her family and her loved one. I'll pray for peace to envelope them all and for wisdom to know how to help them through this terrible time. And, for at least one more time, I'll pray for that magic wand.
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. (Psalms 30:5)”
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Doubting Thomas
Today, I would like to put forth an energetic defense of Thomas, aka Doubting Thomas, for, well, doubting. I put forth this defense, because, to be quite honest, I wish I was a little more like him.
See, Thomas needed to see and feel the wounds of the man he loved and adored and who was brutally executed. He doubted that, after suffering such a brutal death, the man who was murdered had actually come back to life.
Now, everyone uses Thomas as an example of what not to do. But, as a person who doesn't doubt enough, I have to say I admire his clear head during his obvious grief. Where the other followers were ecstatic at word of the resurrection, Thomas wanted proof.
Please understand, I'm not saying the resurrection did not happen or that miracles are a myth. What I am saying, is that some people have trouble doubting the words of others when what they are being told corresponds with their greatest desire. Often, this causes a blindness to the facts, which, in the long run, usually causes someone a great deal of pain.
So, here's to Thomas. Although he may have chosen the wrong time to doubt, his instincts were good.
“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.”
Bertrand Russell
See, Thomas needed to see and feel the wounds of the man he loved and adored and who was brutally executed. He doubted that, after suffering such a brutal death, the man who was murdered had actually come back to life.
Now, everyone uses Thomas as an example of what not to do. But, as a person who doesn't doubt enough, I have to say I admire his clear head during his obvious grief. Where the other followers were ecstatic at word of the resurrection, Thomas wanted proof.
Please understand, I'm not saying the resurrection did not happen or that miracles are a myth. What I am saying, is that some people have trouble doubting the words of others when what they are being told corresponds with their greatest desire. Often, this causes a blindness to the facts, which, in the long run, usually causes someone a great deal of pain.
So, here's to Thomas. Although he may have chosen the wrong time to doubt, his instincts were good.
“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.”
Bertrand Russell
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