Nothing makes me feel older than a birthday. Not my own. Another year may have passed, but I still feel 25, just with a whole bunch of wisdom and debt. It's the birthdays of my kids or the kids I once babysat or the kid's of the kid's I once babysat that make me feel ancient.
The person who had the audacity to make me feel old by having a birthday today is my wonderful, fantastic, amazing son! He turned 11 today, which, by the way, is some sort of freak of nature, because he was JUST a baby about two seconds ago. I swear! (Now, my son will tell you that it has taken him 32 years to get to 11, but we all know that is a bit of an exaggeration on his part.)
Here's the thing: If my son continues to grow and mature as he is now, I'll gladly accept feeling old every day of the week. I'm so very proud of the young man he is becoming!
Happy Birthday Bubba!
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes.
~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Lost and Found
My daughter came home today with the lunch box she lost last year at school. It had been in the lost and found the entire time, apparently buried under some other forgotten items.
Upon arriving home, my daughter worked diligently on her loose front tooth until she lost it. The tooth fairy then had the unenviable job of finding the tooth under the gazillion-and-one pillows my daughter has on her bed, and doing so without waking her.
Lost and found. It's a game we play everyday. We lose our keys, we find them buried on the desk. We lose the remote, we find it between two couch cushions. We lose a number, we find it in an old cell phone.
But what happens when we lose someone, and the finding isn't the problem? You know exactly where they are, but you can't talk or be with them anymore. What do you do then?
You find something else.
Some people turn to things to make themselves feel better, making it their mission to stimulate the economy all on their own. Some people pour their time and energy into the people they love in order to cope. Some people throw themselves into their work as a means to dull the pain. Everyone finds something else. It's the lucky ones, though, who find themselves in the process.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
Dr. Seuss
Upon arriving home, my daughter worked diligently on her loose front tooth until she lost it. The tooth fairy then had the unenviable job of finding the tooth under the gazillion-and-one pillows my daughter has on her bed, and doing so without waking her.
Lost and found. It's a game we play everyday. We lose our keys, we find them buried on the desk. We lose the remote, we find it between two couch cushions. We lose a number, we find it in an old cell phone.
But what happens when we lose someone, and the finding isn't the problem? You know exactly where they are, but you can't talk or be with them anymore. What do you do then?
You find something else.
Some people turn to things to make themselves feel better, making it their mission to stimulate the economy all on their own. Some people pour their time and energy into the people they love in order to cope. Some people throw themselves into their work as a means to dull the pain. Everyone finds something else. It's the lucky ones, though, who find themselves in the process.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
Dr. Seuss
Saturday, August 28, 2010
An Adventure
Okay, I just need to state that I am probably one of the luckiest women in the world in terms of my friends.
My BFF, Hannah, is always there for me. Has been for years. She says we've always had a love-hate relationship with each other, but I'm pretty sure we are in a pure love phase at this point. (Not in the way most men we've met have hoped, though, just to clarify.) She's been there for me during babies, surgeries, good romances, bad romances--you name it. She's been there.
I needed her yesterday when I was in a poor, poor pitiful me mode. And she was. Not once did she tell me to stop whining. She just laid out the facts and gave me encouragement. It was like her telling me my butt looks big in a pair of pants. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but glad she told me anyway.
That's what friends do. Tell you the truth no matter what. REALLY good friends do so when wine and/ or chocolate is available!
Thank you, Hannah, for reminding me that it is all an adventure!
My BFF, Hannah, is always there for me. Has been for years. She says we've always had a love-hate relationship with each other, but I'm pretty sure we are in a pure love phase at this point. (Not in the way most men we've met have hoped, though, just to clarify.) She's been there for me during babies, surgeries, good romances, bad romances--you name it. She's been there.
I needed her yesterday when I was in a poor, poor pitiful me mode. And she was. Not once did she tell me to stop whining. She just laid out the facts and gave me encouragement. It was like her telling me my butt looks big in a pair of pants. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but glad she told me anyway.
That's what friends do. Tell you the truth no matter what. REALLY good friends do so when wine and/ or chocolate is available!
Thank you, Hannah, for reminding me that it is all an adventure!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Sleep...and Other Things I Don't Get Nearly Enough Of
I need my sleep. I admit it. If I don't, I get grouchy and moody and you DON'T want to be around me. But, as is the case most days, I don't get enough sleep. So, to compensate, I make sure I get plenty of coffee.
But, as I rushed around after oversleeping for the fourth day in a row (I swear, at least part of it is my alarm clock's fault!), I started thinking about other things I don't get enough of in my life--mainly because these are the things I could never get enough of!
I don't get enough chocolate. In an attempt to stay healthy and under the 300 pound mark on the scale, I try not to eat as much chocolate as I would like.
I don't get enough bear hugs. Especially the long, squishy, can-feel-the-heartbeat type.
I don't get enough, "Mom, your the greatest mom EVER!" from my son. Who could get enough of that?
I don't get enough sleepy smiles from my daughter as I wake her up in the mornings. There isn't anything more beautiful!
I don't get enough girls' nights out with my friends, where you laugh even when you are determined to cry!
I don't get enough time in the day to tell all those I love how very much I love and appreciate them. So, I'll do it now in the hope a few of you read this today.
Thank you to those who love and support me through the good and the bad, through laughter and tears, through parties and pity-parties. I love and appreciate you!
“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”
But, as I rushed around after oversleeping for the fourth day in a row (I swear, at least part of it is my alarm clock's fault!), I started thinking about other things I don't get enough of in my life--mainly because these are the things I could never get enough of!
I don't get enough chocolate. In an attempt to stay healthy and under the 300 pound mark on the scale, I try not to eat as much chocolate as I would like.
I don't get enough bear hugs. Especially the long, squishy, can-feel-the-heartbeat type.
I don't get enough, "Mom, your the greatest mom EVER!" from my son. Who could get enough of that?
I don't get enough sleepy smiles from my daughter as I wake her up in the mornings. There isn't anything more beautiful!
I don't get enough girls' nights out with my friends, where you laugh even when you are determined to cry!
I don't get enough time in the day to tell all those I love how very much I love and appreciate them. So, I'll do it now in the hope a few of you read this today.
Thank you to those who love and support me through the good and the bad, through laughter and tears, through parties and pity-parties. I love and appreciate you!
“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Breathe
My dear friend Erica texted me this morning and asked if I had heard the song "Breathe" by Ryan Star. Erica said she had thought about me when she heard it. So, as quickly as I could in the car pool line at my son's school, I looked it up on YouTube. Here's what I found.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rBmdr97KSU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Thank you, Erica!
“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rBmdr97KSU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Thank you, Erica!
“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A Time for Everything
Here is another one of my favorite verses from the Bible. Seemed appropriate for today.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Aches and Pains
Every time I start a new workout routine, my muscles will eventually start to ache. I can hear them protest, "Why, Christie?! Why do you do this to us?!" But then, after a few days, the dull ache subsides and I can stop carrying around the jumbo size container of Tylenol.
Some pains, though, takes longer to subside, and no amount of medication will make the ache completely go away.
Several years ago I lost a good friend and mentor to pancreatic cancer. Everyone knew my friend was dying, so when her death actually came, I was prepared. What I wasn't prepared for was a moment I had a year later while driving down the road.
Heading home from work, I started looking at the plethra of political signs hanging from power poles and sitting in yards. I noticed that an individual my friend and I knew (and didn't particularly like) was running for local office. I thought at that moment I needed to call my friend and tell her. The overwhelming realization that my friend was gone made me shake and hurt like hell!
My friend was gone. I couldn't call her and talk to her anymore. I couldn't see her or hear her raspy smoker's laugh. I couldn't ask her advice about everything going on at work and at home. She was gone. And I ached.
I've had other losses in my life, either to death or to changes in circumstances. Each has brought their own aches and pains. With some, I've accepted with little question as to why. With others, I've been left with only questions. With all, though, I've learned.
I still ache, though.
“Every human being must find his own way to cope with severe loss, and the only job of a true friend is to facilitate whatever method he chooses”
Caleb Carr
I miss you, Sheila!
Some pains, though, takes longer to subside, and no amount of medication will make the ache completely go away.
Several years ago I lost a good friend and mentor to pancreatic cancer. Everyone knew my friend was dying, so when her death actually came, I was prepared. What I wasn't prepared for was a moment I had a year later while driving down the road.
Heading home from work, I started looking at the plethra of political signs hanging from power poles and sitting in yards. I noticed that an individual my friend and I knew (and didn't particularly like) was running for local office. I thought at that moment I needed to call my friend and tell her. The overwhelming realization that my friend was gone made me shake and hurt like hell!
My friend was gone. I couldn't call her and talk to her anymore. I couldn't see her or hear her raspy smoker's laugh. I couldn't ask her advice about everything going on at work and at home. She was gone. And I ached.
I've had other losses in my life, either to death or to changes in circumstances. Each has brought their own aches and pains. With some, I've accepted with little question as to why. With others, I've been left with only questions. With all, though, I've learned.
I still ache, though.
“Every human being must find his own way to cope with severe loss, and the only job of a true friend is to facilitate whatever method he chooses”
Caleb Carr
I miss you, Sheila!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Numbers
First, let me just update all on my training. Last week I did okay. Not perfect, but okay. Tuesday and Thursday I was able to get my 3 miles in and was able to walk 4 miles on Saturday and Sunday.
While walking my 4 miles over the weekend, I realized how much I love numbers. Not as in math--anyone who knows me knows that is not the case. But as in, if I walk for one hour, that is normally 4 miles. If I walk 4 miles, I usually burn 550 to 600 calories. If I burn 550 to 600 calories, the number on the scale tends to go down. (That is if I don't eat 600 calories in Little Debbie treats!)
I like numbers. It gives me a way to measure my progress in training, and I can get a wee bit obsessive about numbers.
After much self analysis, I have decided my obsessiveness probably comes from the fact that, in so many other areas in life, there are no numbers on which to measure myself. I have to rely on my feelings and instincts and knowledge. There is no precise way to measure my progress.
So, I embrace my obsessiveness and thank God that I'm not obsessing about something less controllable--like how to make Little Debbie treats calorie-less!
“Passion is a positive obsession. Obsession is a negative passion.”
Paul Carvel
A two-for-one on the quotes today. Gotta love those actor-types!
“My significant other right now is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from multiple personality disorder and self-obsession.”
Joaquin Phoenix
While walking my 4 miles over the weekend, I realized how much I love numbers. Not as in math--anyone who knows me knows that is not the case. But as in, if I walk for one hour, that is normally 4 miles. If I walk 4 miles, I usually burn 550 to 600 calories. If I burn 550 to 600 calories, the number on the scale tends to go down. (That is if I don't eat 600 calories in Little Debbie treats!)
I like numbers. It gives me a way to measure my progress in training, and I can get a wee bit obsessive about numbers.
After much self analysis, I have decided my obsessiveness probably comes from the fact that, in so many other areas in life, there are no numbers on which to measure myself. I have to rely on my feelings and instincts and knowledge. There is no precise way to measure my progress.
So, I embrace my obsessiveness and thank God that I'm not obsessing about something less controllable--like how to make Little Debbie treats calorie-less!
“Passion is a positive obsession. Obsession is a negative passion.”
Paul Carvel
A two-for-one on the quotes today. Gotta love those actor-types!
“My significant other right now is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from multiple personality disorder and self-obsession.”
Joaquin Phoenix
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Amazing Strength
There are several Bible verses I love and cling to during the rough times. Here's one of my favorites.
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
http://www.firstpeople.us/FP-Html-Pictures/eagle_pg1.html#Eagle_Pictures_3
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Black and White with Just a Touch of Gray
Before I was a wife, I would see how some couples would interact with one another, and I would think to myself, "That will NEVER be me!"
Before I was a mom, I would see a woman with one or two or three young children in a grocery store completely lose it with one of the kids, and I would think to myself, "I would NEVER do that to one of my children."
Black and white. I'm right, you're wrong.
Then I became a wife and a mother. Now when I see a couple interacting with one another, instead of quickly determining my superiority, I wonder what pain or struggles have lead to the interaction I'm witnessing. When I see a mom at the end of her rope, I empathize knowing that being the end-all be-all to a little one can drain even the strongest, most loving mom.
My black and white has started to gray along with my hair. At one point in my life, I would have called myself wishy-washy or a hypocrite--and I'm not foolish enough to think others won't see me that way. But I don't feel that way about myself.
Now, please, don't get me wrong. I still have some very strong black and white lines. Sex offenders--especially those who harm children--are disgusting pieces of slime who should be buried under a jail. Thankfulness is not an option in life, it's a must. And Jesus is my Lord and Savior, and I'm proud of that fact even if He isn't always proud of me.
There are some issues, though, I'm not clear on. And on those issues, I'm willing to listen to the arguments. I'm not saying I will agree with some one's opinion on a matter, but I will try and respect that opinion and try to see the other person's point of view.
Will I always be perfectly open-minded in every situation? Nope. I'm not idiotic nor narcissistic enough to think I will ever be perfect in any area of my life, especially one in which there will always be a great deal of emotion involved. But, like everything else in my life, I will do my absolute best.
Before I was a mom, I would see a woman with one or two or three young children in a grocery store completely lose it with one of the kids, and I would think to myself, "I would NEVER do that to one of my children."
Black and white. I'm right, you're wrong.
Then I became a wife and a mother. Now when I see a couple interacting with one another, instead of quickly determining my superiority, I wonder what pain or struggles have lead to the interaction I'm witnessing. When I see a mom at the end of her rope, I empathize knowing that being the end-all be-all to a little one can drain even the strongest, most loving mom.
My black and white has started to gray along with my hair. At one point in my life, I would have called myself wishy-washy or a hypocrite--and I'm not foolish enough to think others won't see me that way. But I don't feel that way about myself.
Now, please, don't get me wrong. I still have some very strong black and white lines. Sex offenders--especially those who harm children--are disgusting pieces of slime who should be buried under a jail. Thankfulness is not an option in life, it's a must. And Jesus is my Lord and Savior, and I'm proud of that fact even if He isn't always proud of me.
There are some issues, though, I'm not clear on. And on those issues, I'm willing to listen to the arguments. I'm not saying I will agree with some one's opinion on a matter, but I will try and respect that opinion and try to see the other person's point of view.
Will I always be perfectly open-minded in every situation? Nope. I'm not idiotic nor narcissistic enough to think I will ever be perfect in any area of my life, especially one in which there will always be a great deal of emotion involved. But, like everything else in my life, I will do my absolute best.
“The first duty of love is to listen.”
Paul Tillich
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I Believe ...
I was asked the other day how my world was. After careful thought, I have decided my world falls somewhere between what I believe and what I know.
I believe that my world is currently hard but happy.
I know that it stays in a constant state of controlled chaos.
I believe in the amazing and good in people and all they can become.
I know that those I believe in have to believe in themselves first before they will become the people I see.
I believe in laughing instead of crying if you have a choice.
I know sometimes I cry.
I believe in unconditional love.
I know others don't.
I believe that I am stronger than I ever have been.
I know that sometimes I feel weak.
I believe in the will of God and believe that His will is what is right.
I know that I will submit to His will, but will make sure He knows what I would like just in case.
I believe in the power of prayer.
I know prayer is answered, if not as how I would have hoped.
That's my world. Good luck making sense of it. I haven't yet.
“One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying.”
Joan of Arc
I believe that my world is currently hard but happy.
I know that it stays in a constant state of controlled chaos.
I believe in the amazing and good in people and all they can become.
I know that those I believe in have to believe in themselves first before they will become the people I see.
I believe in laughing instead of crying if you have a choice.
I know sometimes I cry.
I believe in unconditional love.
I know others don't.
I believe that I am stronger than I ever have been.
I know that sometimes I feel weak.
I believe in the will of God and believe that His will is what is right.
I know that I will submit to His will, but will make sure He knows what I would like just in case.
I believe in the power of prayer.
I know prayer is answered, if not as how I would have hoped.
That's my world. Good luck making sense of it. I haven't yet.
“One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying.”
Joan of Arc
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The Penny
See a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck.
I picked up a penny today during my walk. Silly, childish, and more than a little bit absurd. Absurd not because I picked up a penny, but the little glimmer of hope that it sparked in me. The thought that, maybe, just maybe, it would bring me good luck.
It's the same principal as when I kiss the clasp of my necklace when it moves to the front, which I have done faithfully since 6th grade. It was in 6th grade I was told that, when your clasp moves around to the front, the person you love is thinking of you. To kiss the clasp is to kiss the one you love. So, I kiss the clasp of my necklace with a twinge of hope that the person I love is really thinking of me.
Hope. It's the emotion that keeps me going some days. With hope, there is always a possibility of something more. A possibility that today will be a little bit better than the one before.
So, I know I will continue picking up pennies, kissing necklace clasps, and, I'm sure, wishing on more than a few stars in the years to come, no matter how silly, childish or absurd it may seem. You know, just in case.
“In all things it is better to hope than to despair”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I picked up a penny today during my walk. Silly, childish, and more than a little bit absurd. Absurd not because I picked up a penny, but the little glimmer of hope that it sparked in me. The thought that, maybe, just maybe, it would bring me good luck.
It's the same principal as when I kiss the clasp of my necklace when it moves to the front, which I have done faithfully since 6th grade. It was in 6th grade I was told that, when your clasp moves around to the front, the person you love is thinking of you. To kiss the clasp is to kiss the one you love. So, I kiss the clasp of my necklace with a twinge of hope that the person I love is really thinking of me.
Hope. It's the emotion that keeps me going some days. With hope, there is always a possibility of something more. A possibility that today will be a little bit better than the one before.
So, I know I will continue picking up pennies, kissing necklace clasps, and, I'm sure, wishing on more than a few stars in the years to come, no matter how silly, childish or absurd it may seem. You know, just in case.
“In all things it is better to hope than to despair”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Soundtracks
I like listening to music while I walk. My taste in music is what one would call eclectic. One minute I'll listen to Uncle Kracker, the next, Beethoven. What I have noticed about my listening habits is this-- what I listen to depends on how I'm feeling that day. Kinda like a movie soundtrack except just for me.
Some days I'm in a Pink sort of a mood:
"Don't Let Me Get Me" (excerpt)
"Something More" (excerpt)
"One Day You Will" (excerpt)
"Pray For You"
I'm really glad I found my way to church
I pray your brakes go out runnin' down a hill
Some days I'm in a Pink sort of a mood:
"Don't Let Me Get Me" (excerpt)
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Other days, I'm pure Sugarland:
"Something More" (excerpt)
Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best believe that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more
And then there are the days I need some Lady Antebellum:
"One Day You Will" (excerpt)
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will
But, some of my favorite soundtrack days are when I decide to listen to a little Jaron and the Long Road to Love:
"Pray For You"
I haven't been to church since I don't remember when
Things were goin' great 'til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher as he told me what to do
He said you can't go hatin' others who have done wrong to you
Sometimes we get angry, but we must not condemn
Let the good Lord do His job and you just pray for them
I pray your brakes go out runnin' down a hill
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I'd like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you're flyin' high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know wherever you are honey, I pray for you
I'm really glad I found my way to church
'Cause I'm already feelin' better and I thank God for the words
Yeah I'm goin' take the high road
And do what the preacher told me to do
You keep messin' up and I'll keep prayin' for you
I pray your tire blows out at 110
I pray you pass out drunk with your best friend and wake up with his and her tattoos
I pray your brakes go out runnin' down a hill
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I'd like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you're flyin' high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know wherever you are, near or far, in your house or in your car,
wherever you are honey, I pray for you.
I pray for you
Music can be very cathartic!
Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. ~Victor Hugo
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Selfish
I had a former co-worker tell me in our conversation the other day she felt training for anything like a marathon or a breast cancer walk was "kinda selfish." She went on to say she didn't think I was selfish, but it was a statement that stuck with me.
Am I being selfish? And is that always a bad thing? Or, like food or wine, is selfishness good in moderation?
This walk is something I really want to do. For me. It makes me feel good that I'm doing something that could help someone else. Training is helping me physically, emotionally and spiritually. Training is giving me a constant in chaos.
But my kids don't like it. They think that any minute that they are at home, I should be there to play or talk or do for them. Selfish on their part, yes. But selfish in a very normal way for their ages. And, right now, I'm doing the mommie juggle, trying to please all and accommodate my needs while satisfying theirs. With my training, it's hard, but not impossible.
In other areas, though, I struggle. What is good for me personally isn't always what I've thought the best for my kids. But how long do I sacrifice my needs in order to protect them? And, if I lose myself in the sacrifice, am I really doing what is best for my kids, or am I teaching them that you can't be you if you have kids?
All these questions from one simple statement. I need more coffee!
Am I being selfish? And is that always a bad thing? Or, like food or wine, is selfishness good in moderation?
This walk is something I really want to do. For me. It makes me feel good that I'm doing something that could help someone else. Training is helping me physically, emotionally and spiritually. Training is giving me a constant in chaos.
But my kids don't like it. They think that any minute that they are at home, I should be there to play or talk or do for them. Selfish on their part, yes. But selfish in a very normal way for their ages. And, right now, I'm doing the mommie juggle, trying to please all and accommodate my needs while satisfying theirs. With my training, it's hard, but not impossible.
In other areas, though, I struggle. What is good for me personally isn't always what I've thought the best for my kids. But how long do I sacrifice my needs in order to protect them? And, if I lose myself in the sacrifice, am I really doing what is best for my kids, or am I teaching them that you can't be you if you have kids?
All these questions from one simple statement. I need more coffee!
She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along.
~Margaret Culkin Banning
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Life
Have you ever noticed how you can have some "perfect" plans, but the plans never ends up perfect?
For instance, I THINK I walked about 2 miles today. I THINK because I decided I had the "perfect" plan to multi-task my time tonight, which, needless to say, wasn't so perfect.
Both of my children are playing a sport this fall, and they have practice several times a week. Both teams have been practicing for approximately 2 hours every practice. Me, in all my brilliance, decided I would walk during this two hour window.
Since the temperature had decided to dip to a mild 93 degrees, I decided to walk outside through my neighborhood. My neighborhood is fairly large, and I was at the furthest most point from my house when I received a phone call from my daughter saying that practice had been dismissed an hour early. So, what I lacked in miles tonight, I made up for with intense cardio.
Although no big deal (since my daughter has a super sweet coach!), I had to laugh--right after my heart stopped beating from the huge dump of adrenaline. I had to laugh, because I know better than to make "perfect" plans. There is no such thing. And even if there was, Murphy's Law, God's sense of humor, or our own ability to screw things up would sabotage us. That's life.
Life isn't perfect. Far from it. It's extremely messy and complicated and even icky at times. But, in all the mess and complications, there is beauty and love and and laughter and hope. Lots of hope.
For instance, I THINK I walked about 2 miles today. I THINK because I decided I had the "perfect" plan to multi-task my time tonight, which, needless to say, wasn't so perfect.
Both of my children are playing a sport this fall, and they have practice several times a week. Both teams have been practicing for approximately 2 hours every practice. Me, in all my brilliance, decided I would walk during this two hour window.
Since the temperature had decided to dip to a mild 93 degrees, I decided to walk outside through my neighborhood. My neighborhood is fairly large, and I was at the furthest most point from my house when I received a phone call from my daughter saying that practice had been dismissed an hour early. So, what I lacked in miles tonight, I made up for with intense cardio.
Although no big deal (since my daughter has a super sweet coach!), I had to laugh--right after my heart stopped beating from the huge dump of adrenaline. I had to laugh, because I know better than to make "perfect" plans. There is no such thing. And even if there was, Murphy's Law, God's sense of humor, or our own ability to screw things up would sabotage us. That's life.
Life isn't perfect. Far from it. It's extremely messy and complicated and even icky at times. But, in all the mess and complications, there is beauty and love and and laughter and hope. Lots of hope.
The pain passes. The beauty remains.
--Auguste Renoir
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Habits
I read or heard somewhere a long time ago that it takes 21 days to form a habit but over six months to break one. I would like to state right here and now that this statement is flawed due to the broad generalization regarding habits.
I can form some habits in approximately two days. Drinking a milkshake after supper, taking a long nap in the afternoon and lounging on the beach on a sunny afternoon. I got this!
Also, there are a few habits I can quickly rid myself of with no problem. Exercising daily, packing a sack lunch and doing housework instead of watching a "NCIS" episode to name a few.
This is my way of saying I've fallen FAR off the training schedule. I'll save you all the excuses, as, basically, they all fall under the umbrella of being a working mom with two school age kids.
So, tomorrow, I will again try to form the walking habit. Because, as a famous Scarlett once said,
"After all ... tomorrow is another day."
I can form some habits in approximately two days. Drinking a milkshake after supper, taking a long nap in the afternoon and lounging on the beach on a sunny afternoon. I got this!
Also, there are a few habits I can quickly rid myself of with no problem. Exercising daily, packing a sack lunch and doing housework instead of watching a "NCIS" episode to name a few.
This is my way of saying I've fallen FAR off the training schedule. I'll save you all the excuses, as, basically, they all fall under the umbrella of being a working mom with two school age kids.
So, tomorrow, I will again try to form the walking habit. Because, as a famous Scarlett once said,
"After all ... tomorrow is another day."
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Changes
I have changed the topic of this blog three times now. Partly for this reason, I started thinking about changes.
There have been tons of changes in my life recently. This is ironic since most of my life I've fought tooth and nail to keep a level of sameness.
Some changes have been relatively small. My children going back to school after summer break with all the changes that entails, for instance. Others have been HUGE. Closing up our business after seven years being an example.
Through all these changes, I've actually learned a few things about myself.
1) I can handle change better now than I could when I was younger. (I guess practice makes perfect in this area.)
2) Sometimes change is good, even when it doesn't seem like it initially.
3) Even if a change throws me for a complete loop, I can learn from it, no matter what.
4) If I don't like the change, don't want the change and know in the heart of hearts the change is wrong, I will fight it with everything I've got. But, if I know the change should happen, I've learn to let it and pray I will be stronger and wiser afterwards.
There have been tons of changes in my life recently. This is ironic since most of my life I've fought tooth and nail to keep a level of sameness.
Some changes have been relatively small. My children going back to school after summer break with all the changes that entails, for instance. Others have been HUGE. Closing up our business after seven years being an example.
Through all these changes, I've actually learned a few things about myself.
1) I can handle change better now than I could when I was younger. (I guess practice makes perfect in this area.)
2) Sometimes change is good, even when it doesn't seem like it initially.
3) Even if a change throws me for a complete loop, I can learn from it, no matter what.
4) If I don't like the change, don't want the change and know in the heart of hearts the change is wrong, I will fight it with everything I've got. But, if I know the change should happen, I've learn to let it and pray I will be stronger and wiser afterwards.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
No Regrets
I have a few regrets in my life. Dating a guy that looked a lot like Tom Petty but without the talent or the money (and who wasn't a good boyfriend.) Breaking down and sobbing at a job after I was laid off. Not crying the day my grandfather died. Ectera, ectera, ectera.
I don't like regrets, so I tend to go overboard to avoid situations which might lead to regret. There are times, though, where I just can't avoid those situations. More accurately, I realize I would regret more not having taken part in something, even when I know it's going to hurt me afterwards.
It's like when my friend asked me to participate in a half marathon with her. I'm not a runner. Personally, unless someone is wearing a mask and chasing me with an ax, I see no reason to break into a run. But, I knew that, no matter what pain I might experience afterwards (And believe me, there was some!), I would regret not taking part in what turned out to be a wonderful experience.
I've also had times in my life where I've opened myself up to others when, in my heart, I knew the probable outcome would be me ending up hurt. But, I don't regret those times, either, even when left hurting. I would have missed out on the amazing if I had turned away from different relationships.
While walking the other day, I started to wonder what I would do if I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Would I close up into myself, avoiding regrets and any further pain as I fought the disease? Or would I go to the other extreme, trying anything and everything just so I knew I had lived my life to the fullest?
I don't know. Guess that's something else to think about during my walks.
I don't like regrets, so I tend to go overboard to avoid situations which might lead to regret. There are times, though, where I just can't avoid those situations. More accurately, I realize I would regret more not having taken part in something, even when I know it's going to hurt me afterwards.
It's like when my friend asked me to participate in a half marathon with her. I'm not a runner. Personally, unless someone is wearing a mask and chasing me with an ax, I see no reason to break into a run. But, I knew that, no matter what pain I might experience afterwards (And believe me, there was some!), I would regret not taking part in what turned out to be a wonderful experience.
I've also had times in my life where I've opened myself up to others when, in my heart, I knew the probable outcome would be me ending up hurt. But, I don't regret those times, either, even when left hurting. I would have missed out on the amazing if I had turned away from different relationships.
While walking the other day, I started to wonder what I would do if I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Would I close up into myself, avoiding regrets and any further pain as I fought the disease? Or would I go to the other extreme, trying anything and everything just so I knew I had lived my life to the fullest?
I don't know. Guess that's something else to think about during my walks.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Bad Habits
I'm making a confession. I have not walked today and will not do so. I drove 140 miles today for my job and another 60 for my kids. I'm done. I'm pooped. I'm tired.
So, instead of walking, I'm doing the next best thing--picking up bad- for- you food from McDonald's and renting a movie to veg to. Besides, I've been good for two whole days in a row. I'm entitled to a break, right?
And there you have it. The Queen of Justification has made her declaration. I've exhibited a good habit, so I'm allowed to enjoy a couple of bad ones. It's the same thought process I use when I purchase a Butterfinger and a Diet Dr. Pepper. One cancels out the other, so it's all good.
I guess when I look at my life, I have a lot of bad habits that I tend to fall into when I'm stressed or sad or hot or cold or when someone looks at me cross-eyed-- all of which I can justify in a heart beat. I don't sleep enough, so I really need the 12 cups of coffee the next day. I talk too much on the phone with my friends, but at least I don't need to pay for a therapist. I forget to water my rather expensive plants, but I always remember to feed my kids.
See! I'm pretty good at this justification thing. The problem is, I know I'm making excuses. This knowledge really makes it hard for me to engage in my bad habits with a clean conscience.
So, although I make no promises to remain bad habit free from this point forward, I will attempt to engage in my bad habits less frequently.
Starting tomorrow. I'm not wasting my Micky D's and movie!
So, instead of walking, I'm doing the next best thing--picking up bad- for- you food from McDonald's and renting a movie to veg to. Besides, I've been good for two whole days in a row. I'm entitled to a break, right?
And there you have it. The Queen of Justification has made her declaration. I've exhibited a good habit, so I'm allowed to enjoy a couple of bad ones. It's the same thought process I use when I purchase a Butterfinger and a Diet Dr. Pepper. One cancels out the other, so it's all good.
I guess when I look at my life, I have a lot of bad habits that I tend to fall into when I'm stressed or sad or hot or cold or when someone looks at me cross-eyed-- all of which I can justify in a heart beat. I don't sleep enough, so I really need the 12 cups of coffee the next day. I talk too much on the phone with my friends, but at least I don't need to pay for a therapist. I forget to water my rather expensive plants, but I always remember to feed my kids.
See! I'm pretty good at this justification thing. The problem is, I know I'm making excuses. This knowledge really makes it hard for me to engage in my bad habits with a clean conscience.
So, although I make no promises to remain bad habit free from this point forward, I will attempt to engage in my bad habits less frequently.
Starting tomorrow. I'm not wasting my Micky D's and movie!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The Details
First, I was able to get my walk in tonight. HA!!! Take that 115 degree heat index! Okay, so I walked on a treadmill in the air conditioning. STILL...
Second, I think I have some of the details worked out now. The event will be the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in Boston on May 14 and 15, 2011. This means that my SERIOUS training will need to start on the Tuesday after Halloween. Once I step on the scales after eating my children's Halloween haul, I feel I will be properly motivated to walk long distances--at least for a week. Until then, I'll stick to my current training schedule.
So-- as my baby girl would say-- Peace out!
Second, I think I have some of the details worked out now. The event will be the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in Boston on May 14 and 15, 2011. This means that my SERIOUS training will need to start on the Tuesday after Halloween. Once I step on the scales after eating my children's Halloween haul, I feel I will be properly motivated to walk long distances--at least for a week. Until then, I'll stick to my current training schedule.
So-- as my baby girl would say-- Peace out!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Walk It Off
Life has a funny way of throwing you some curves. You think you're gonna zig, and, all of a sudden, there you are zagging. It's enough to give you a crick in your neck.
Of course, sometimes you can predict the zags if you pay enough attention to what's going on. But, sometimes, we aren't paying enough attention. We get distracted with the typical life stuff--family, friends, job... Other times, we REALLY want to zig, so we pay really close attention and try really hard to predict what our next move should be to make that happen. Sometimes it works. Other times, though, it doesn't.
That's why the blog from the person who swore they'd never blog was born. I hit a zag. I wanted to zig. I've worked hard to zig. And it's been hard to deal with the fact that I've failed.
So, I'm walking it off. Just like the loud, chaw-chewing, sweat-dripping football coaches of yore would tell their players to do when they had the wind knocked out of them. I'm going to walk off the zag. Or at least the hurt from the zag.
I have decided to train for a breast cancer walk. I'm not sure of much except I'm going to do it in Boston next year. I've also talked my friend into it, too. (I'm praying she'll still be my friend after we start this journey!)
So, what I need from you, my wonderful friends, is a promise that you will keep me motivated. I give you full permission to ride my butt if I don't stick to the training schedule. Otherwise, I will be able to find every excuse in the book not to do what I need to do the most. Walk it off.
Training schedule for August 2010
Monday through Friday--3 miles per day
Saturday and Sunday--4 miles per day
Of course, sometimes you can predict the zags if you pay enough attention to what's going on. But, sometimes, we aren't paying enough attention. We get distracted with the typical life stuff--family, friends, job... Other times, we REALLY want to zig, so we pay really close attention and try really hard to predict what our next move should be to make that happen. Sometimes it works. Other times, though, it doesn't.
That's why the blog from the person who swore they'd never blog was born. I hit a zag. I wanted to zig. I've worked hard to zig. And it's been hard to deal with the fact that I've failed.
So, I'm walking it off. Just like the loud, chaw-chewing, sweat-dripping football coaches of yore would tell their players to do when they had the wind knocked out of them. I'm going to walk off the zag. Or at least the hurt from the zag.
I have decided to train for a breast cancer walk. I'm not sure of much except I'm going to do it in Boston next year. I've also talked my friend into it, too. (I'm praying she'll still be my friend after we start this journey!)
So, what I need from you, my wonderful friends, is a promise that you will keep me motivated. I give you full permission to ride my butt if I don't stick to the training schedule. Otherwise, I will be able to find every excuse in the book not to do what I need to do the most. Walk it off.
Training schedule for August 2010
Monday through Friday--3 miles per day
Saturday and Sunday--4 miles per day
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