As a counselor of children and young adults, as well as being a mom, I am thoroughly familiar with the art of arguing and the role of arguing in relationships.
Arguing can be a healthy tool for helping a relationship grow and develop. Arguing can also be a destructive instrument when some simple rules are not followed. As I have just had this conversation with my son tonight, I decided sharing my ten rules for arguing has saved me from thinking up another subject for the blog.
1) Arguing requires respect. You don't have to believe the other person is right; you don't have to change your opinion; you don't even have to like a person. But, if you feel strongly enough to voice your opinions and feelings, then you need to have enough respect and strength of character to listen to the other person's side. To do so means you actually have to be quiet and listen to the other person--not just hear the words but process their meaning. This leads me to my next rule ...
2) Don't scream, call the other person names, hang up on the other person, or insist that you are right and they are wrong. Think of a two-year-old toddler throwing a temper-tantrum. Guess what? That's exactly how you will look and sound if you insist on doing any of the above. You will probably get the same reaction as a spoiled toddler, too. Assuming you want to be taken seriously, don't go here.
3) Be willing to admit your mistakes. If you are in argument, very likely you share at least some of the guilt in creating a situation which requires an argument. There are a few times when this is not the case, but those times are few and far between. So, if you've messed up, admit it. It's hard to say the words, but they will go a long way in healing the situation.
4) Have reasonable expectations. Don't go into an argument expecting that you're opinion or viewpoint will be embraced and accepted as THE way. There are times when this will be the case, but, for the most part, an argument is a step towards a compromise on a situation or a means to understanding one another's view point. If you go in with that as the expectation, more progress will be made.
5) Understand you shouldn't argue a non-arguable point. For each individual, there is at least one absolute in his or her life for which there is no compromise. If you know what a person's absolute is, don't argue this point with them. By all means, share your feelings and point of view, but don't believe this will in any way change the other person's opinion.
6) Understand what the other person is needing from the argument. Sometimes an argument is like a dud firecracker: There's a lot of build up, but no bang. This happens when one of those involved in the argument recognizes what the other person is needing to get from the argument. Sometimes it's a need for information, sometimes reassurance, and sometimes, unfortunately, a relief valve for other frustrations. If one of those arguing can listen well enough to hear what the need is, that need can be fulfilled relatively quickly and the need for the argument no longer exists. This brings me to my next point....
7) Don't be an "Uh-huh-er" or a "Nagger." These are the arguments old 50's sit-coms are made of. The wife is sitting there screaming at the husband, and the husband is "yes dear"-ing all the while not hearing a word she says. Both sides of the coin can tear any relationship apart. It goes back to respect. If all you are doing is screaming what you expect from the other person, then you've just turned into an annoying noise that will be tuned out. You are doing nothing to hear or to try and meet the other person's need in the argument, and, because of this, your needs will not be met. On the flip side, if all you do is sit there and tune the other person out, you are just setting yourself up for additional arguments and unpleasantness. Actually LISTEN to what is being said to you, and then act on this information.
8) Don't ambush. The time for an argument is when you are calm enough to think clearly and not to act as if you are in a scene from a bad soap opera. You need to extend this same courtesy to the other person with whom you will be arguing. If he or she has just spent the night sick with a virus, the next morning is not the time to argue about the bounced check. If you insist on doing so, you've just placed he or she on the defensive, and you are much less likely to have your feelings or opinions heard.
9) Walk away from an argument. Sometimes you know that you are in a rule #5 situation--a non-arguable point. If you've discovered for the first time this is the other person's absolute, end the argument. If the other person is arguing your absolute with you, tell the other person, respectfully, that you will not be changing your mind and walk away. Also, you should ALWAYS walk away if you find yourself becoming so angry you are becoming disrespectful. Better to give yourself a time-out and keep your dignity and credibility than to be treated like the toddler.
10) Don't hide from an argument. I know this sounds like a contradiction with rule #9, but it isn't. As I said before, arguments can be healthy for a relationship, as long as they are done correctly. If you are not happy with a situation, and you need the situation to change, an argument is perfectly legitimate. Just keep in mind the rest of the rules, and you should at least make some progress.
“The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress.”
~Joseph Joubert
No comments:
Post a Comment